


it feels like you took the air out of the room with you

by Quixotism



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Consequences, Implied Mind Control, Jim is done with bullshit, M/M, References to The Avengers, Roleplay Based Fanfiction, So done, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quixotism/pseuds/Quixotism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your voice is echoing again.<br/>In catacombs inside my mind.<br/>And I've been dreaming of revenge.<br/>To make you love me more than even you can try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it feels like you took the air out of the room with you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Breathless" by Dan Wilson

When Jim woke up, the first thing he said was, “I’m still alive right? Take that bitches!”

The second thing was, “I’m going to kill Loki.”

With those two thoughts in mind, Jim told Spock firmly, “Get my Captain shirt.” To which Spock cocked an eye brow at him (it barely diminished the relieved glow on his face. Barely) and Bones rolled his eyes in reply. Uhura might have slapped him but Jim got a little confused because she hugged him as well and Uhura never does that. This go-around must have been pretty bad.

Now, fully conscious, the memories filling up the cracks of his mind, Jim didn’t know what to do. He still wanted to throttle Loki, but that wasn’t very productive (it would make him feel better and he knows for a fact Spock would love it, video it and then watch it in the confines of his quarters with some kind of sadistic gleeful joy Vulcans pretend not to have. He’d seen the Khan footage. He knows)

He was in custody, in their cells. There was a dark bruise below his eyes (Spock), a red mark on his neck (Bones) and what appears to be a circle dug into his skin, next to his lips (Uhura. Jim doesn’t know anyone who wasn’t terrified of her high heel kung-fu). All in all, he looked decent. Dishevelled, tired, in dire need of a shower.

But decent.

“You look good,” Jim said instead.

Loki raised his haunted dug-out eyes to him, gravestone green, “I may have acted … rashly.”

“You took me away,” Jim said blithely, because there was no way to ignore the crime or make it less than what it was.

“I did.”

“I was already yours.”

Loki laughed at him. Jim hated that laugh. 

“Oh, no,” Loki murmured, “You never belonged to me.”

“I gave you the next best thing,” Jim isn’t sure who he’s convincing, himself or Loki. Perhaps both.

“And that, to you, was enough?” Loki spat out vitriol. Perhaps he poisoned himself as he poisoned others. Jim couldn’t tell. Loki probably couldn’t tell either.

“I’ve given you more than anyone else has,” Jim told him quietly. 

“Don’t compliment yourself so,” Loki said blandly and he felt the sting.

Jim exhaled. His nerves were raw and he wasn’t ready, wasn’t prepared to deal with the consequences. Yet, he could not let Spock step in (again) to deal with this. Especially since it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with Jim and Loki. 

He was at a standstill.

Loki eyed him. His eyes were hooded with reproach and bitterness. Perhaps Jim had failed him, like all the others had failed Loki. Even though he hadn’t meant to (did they?)  
He walked out instead.

Tomorrow, he’ll have an answer.

In the morning, he walked into the chamber, watching Loki prowl like a large cat. Loki dug his fingers into his skin as Jim watched. He let Jim watch. No one else would see something like this.

Finally, Jim broke the peace, “Do you want to lose me?”

“No.”

“But you knew you would have, like this.”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

Loki smiled, blood-curling at the ends. It’s meant to intimidate Jim, he knew. It seemed childish, doling out gestures and meanings that don’t mean anything because knowledge was a road block, a pane of glass between them.

Jim tried not to think about it too hard.

(like he tried to avoid the times Loki reminded himself of a younger kirk, bought, bribed and raised on a bar stool, toppled over a leather seat, the Chevrolet smell stinking up the place.)

Jim spoke hesitantly, “You could have asked.”

He spoke like glass shards spilled over the floor.

One day, he thought, I’ll cut myself so deep.

“No,” Loki replied simply and the truth cut them into pieces.

Later, Spock asked him what he would do to Loki. Jim wanted to cry.

He goes to Loki in his free time. Sometimes they share a glass between them. Jim drank too much and found himself leaning against the glass in a stupor, with Loki’s trembling visage just above his shoulder. 

Too close to touch. Too far to reach.

Spock hauled him back to bed and he stumbled his way back to normalcy on his ship.

He shortened the length of his visits.

Loki never says he misses him.

Spock left a list of prison planets on Jim’s desk one day and Jim had had enough. He strode into Loki’s cell and opened. Loki blanches which gave Jim immeasurable amounts of vindicated feelings, but he had no time to indulge in them. He threw the sheets of paper (yes, paper. Trust Spock to prove a point) and said, “Are you giving up on me?”

Loki whitened but his lips set in a thin furious line that Jim knew meant ‘you are pushing your luck and I should have pulled out your entrails years ago’. Jim didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to care which sucked because he cared for so long, kept this thing going, gave it steam, gave it power and Loki ripped it apart and _it wasn’t his right to do so._

“Are you,” Jim enunciated, “Giving up. On me.”

“Captain…”

“Are you.”

“Surely you—,”

“Yes or no, Loki,” and that’s the end of the line, Jim thought, “Are you giving up on me?”

Loki swallowed. Paused. Didn’t answer. 

Was that answer enough? _Hell no._

Jim yanked him into a kiss, digging his fingers into Loki’s shoulders, wanting to hurt him because damn him, damn him for thinking hurting and hurting by leaving, hurting by having doesn’t work and Loki didn’t have an ounce of logic in that stupid head of his.

Loki softened and it felt it like a force in his arms, drowning. 

Jim broke it off, whispering softly against Loki’s lips, “Fix it.”

With that, he shoved Loki away and walked out.

Jim was good at hurting people too, but he was better at doing the right thing.

 

Loki appeared on the bridge two days later, Jim said, “Welcome aboard.”

And Loki replied, “Thank you.”

Jim leaned back on his chair with a smile.


End file.
